jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
