when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
