I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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