i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
