and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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