the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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