Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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