her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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