She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
