I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
