Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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