My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
two words...techno handjob
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize