Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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