I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
