Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
