She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
