Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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