She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
