oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
