I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
