Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We named our party play list daddy issues
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
