Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
