No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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