Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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