Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
it's great music for shaving your balls
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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