biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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