i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
