Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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