My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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