just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
