Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
