I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
