Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
