Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
