The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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