I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
