yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
People in love make me want to vomit
My balls are so social today.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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