pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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