I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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