I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
