My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
