He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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