No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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