I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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