Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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