i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
