I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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