we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
