did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
im six kinds of drunk right now
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
