No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
