just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I think my moral compass just broke
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