I am spending my child support on dildos
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
COCAINE IS GR8
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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