I don't remember. Are we still dating?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
