he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize