I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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