he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
