I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
