UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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