I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
