He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
